Death of The Frenemy

7 Mar

You and Your…Friends

Don't worry, she's just playing. Tell them you're just playing *gasp* I can't breathe!

fren·e·my

noun \ˈfre-nə-mē\

plural fren·e·mies

Definition of FRENEMY :

one who pretends to be a friend but is actually an enemy

When it comes to frenemies we’ve all had an experience with one: the girlfriend who’s quick to criticize your outfit when you look like a million bucks or the bestfriend who doesn’t hesitate to throw salt on your great relationship with your man. We’re quick to cut ties with a dead beat ex but what happens when you can’t sever ties with a bad friend? Many times we remain friends with people who have committed unspeakable acts of disrespect for no reason other than “we’ve been friends for so long!” Holding on to a dead end friend isn’t healthy and can prevent you from having healthy relationships with yourself and others.

Rihanna & Ciara: are they really friends? Methinks, NOT!

Identify whether this person is a good friend or not. The best way to properly assess this is to think about how you feel while you’re in the company of this person. Healthy friendships should leave you energized and feeling like you can take over the world. If you are hanging out with this person and feeling nothing but stress and misery then maybe it’s time you cut ties with them.  You’re not doing yourself any favors by sticking it out with someone who doesn’t value your friendship. A good friend is supportive of your goals, dreams and hobbies even if they don’t personally have an interest in them.  If the only time your friend can be there for you is when it’s beneficial to them then you might have a problem. Selfishness is a huge red flag. A lot of times women will try to overcompensate for a selfish friend by being a doormat but letting someone run over you to keep the peace does little for the friendship or for your self-esteem. Healthy friendships have boundaries and are built on mutual respect.  If your friend is overly critical of you, competitive, gives you back handed compliments or generally makes you feel self conscious then it may be time to move on.

A perfect example of this is the recent short lived “beef” between recording artists Rihanna and Ciara. Ciara made a comment  to Joan Rivers on E!’s Fashion Police in regards to a recent run-in with Rihanna. All she said was she (Rihanna) wasn’t nice to her. It wasn’t long before Rihanna took it to the e-streets and got confrontational on Twitter.

Well….alright.  15 minutes later…

I dunno about yall but that has got to be the fakest apology I’ve ever read! Maybe I’m looking too much into it but I definitely feel it’s laced with sarcasm. I could be wrong and totally off the mark but  this is a classic frenemy tactic. Ciara, I hope you didn’t fall for that mess. Which brings me to my next point…

Be honest with yourself. Why are you still friends with this person? Often times the length of the friendship can cloud your judgment. Sure, every friendship has its good and bad days but keep it real. Do a cost/benefit analysis of the friendship and list every negative transgression and good deed that you can remember. This is not the time to get soft; you need to face the facts! If the costs outweigh the benefits but you’re still on the fence about what to do it’s time to get a third party involved. Talk to someone who doesn’t know your friend and ask them for their honest opinion – would they continue to be friends with a person whose done x, y and z? Sometimes an outside view can open our eyes to things that we’ve been blind to for so long.

Nene Leakes & Kim Zolciak of the Real Housewives of Atlanta have had a rocky friendship which ended before the season finale

Is this person your friend? You might find that the person who you thought was your friend doesn’t even like you! I mean, what else can explain the string of passive aggressive, disrespectful or outright nasty behavior this person has shown towards you? You’re going to have to take responsibility for what happened. This person only treated you like crap because, on some level, you allowed it. You might be experiencing a range of emotions right now: sadness, embarrassment, anger, and while it’s normal to be emotional but don’t dwell on your feelings. Being bitter about the situation is not going to help you move on.  Forgive them, let it go and whatever you do don’t publicly bash your ex friend. It makes you look bad and it gives the impression that you aren’t over it. There is power in silence and now is the time to take the high road and exercise that power.

Make a decision. Personally, I don’t believe in closure but if you want to talk to this person to give them one last chance to redeem themselves understand that you could be setting yourself up for disappointment. Don’t expect this person to apologize for mistreating you. Remember: the worse they treated you the less likely they are to give a damn. Do yourself a favor and move on with dignity. Delete their number and defriend them on Facebook if you like but do something to mark the end of the friendship if you truly want to move on. Leaving the door open for reconciliation is pointless and a bit desperate. By living in what is instead of what used to be or what could be you are allowing yourself to heal. You’d be surprised how much better you’ll feel once things are over. Almost instantly you will be able to appreciate the great things that will start to happen in your life. It won’t happen overnight but your confidence will start to grow and once it does you won’t second guess your decision.  You owe it to yourself to let go of negative people and situations: life is sweeter without a frenemy.

-Nikki B. Decadent

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3 Responses to “Death of The Frenemy”

  1. Keena March 9, 2011 at 2:00 PM #

    this was great. THANK YOU!

    • Nikki B Decadent March 11, 2011 at 11:44 AM #

      You’re welcome!!

  2. whatsaysyou March 17, 2011 at 8:07 PM #

    Nikki B, this is just really mind opening and thank you so much for writing about the issue of frenemies. I too had a frenemy who came in the form of a nasty, narcissistic and horrid flatmate from hell (I won’t go in detail but I can say that I am free from her forever) a few years ago.

    You are absolutely right about the “Be honest with yourself” bit. I know a few people in my social and family circle who still stick around with frenemies only to have those frenemies taking them for a ride or badmouthing them (I can’t stop them seeing their frenemies but I made my choice to be free from one anyway). Therefore, what is the point with letting one stick around and be allowed to trample all over the person over and over. Frenemies are not worth making the cut in the good-friends list. Lastly, keep it up and great blog.

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